Footprints

These are my footprints,

so perfect and so small.

These tiny footprints,

never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,

for now i have wings.

These tiny footprints ,

were ment for other things.

You will hear my footprints,

in the patter of the rain.

Gentle drops like angel's tears,

of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in each butterflies' lazy dance.

I'll let you know im with you ,

if you just give me the chance.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in the rustle of the leaves.

I will whisper names into the wind,

and call each one that grieves.

Most of all these tiny footprints ,

are found on mommy and daddy's heart.

Cause even though im gone now,

We'll never truly part.

Rollercoaster

There are days that i feel like i am on top of the world. I feel like things are going great and dispite all my fears , i feel we will get though my health problems. Then there are days like today. Days where i feel like this rock that im under will never be pushed away and i will have to live forever with this hurting inside. I go through these ups and downs like a rollercoaster and wish the ups would out shine the bad. I have been having a hard time lately. Not because of the loss of our baby , but the fear that ill never be able to make him a dad. Im not supposed to have these feelings. Im young and there should be no issues with me, but life isnt fair and i do have problems, problems that seem like will never have a solution.

There it was , with proof in hand

As i held that test in my hand , 3 min felt like hours. I looked down and saw what i never thought i would see and there it was .. A possitive test. I sent a picture to Will and we were both happy. Days went by and i started feeling good and even though the test said positive i didnt feel pregnant. I went to the dr to do a blood test and sure enough , they said congrats your pregnant. What a blessing i thought. How lucky we were that against the drs ruling that we were going to have a baby. I got a call later that day and they were worried about my progestrone levels and that they wanted me to come in the next morning and do more blood work to check. I went in the next day , did blood like i had many times before and waited for the call to say everything was ok. I never got that call. I Instead got the call to say my levels were so low and that i was in the process of losing what i dreamed of my whole life. Days past and nothing happened. Maybe my baby is ok now, maybe they were wrong. I was sitting at home alone while my love was at work and i got this sharp pain in my stomache and thought i was about to get sick. I ran to the bathroom and realized that what was going on , and began to cry. I sat there for about 30 min before i got up to look , afaird of what i would find. I got up and saw what i wouldnt wish on anyone , i saw our baby. What was i to do now?Can someone just flush their baby down the toilet? i broke down and lost all hope of ever becoming a mom, and what would i tell will? What would he think of me not being able to make him a dad. I thought i was less of a women cause of this.

In a small town where it all began.

Growing up every girl dreams of the day that she will become a wife and mother. You play house , and in your small childish mind you never think of the things that could one day keep you from your dreams. When i was 13 i remember sitting in health education and watching that video about the female body and how the mom took her daughter out for ice cream when she finally got her first period and how now she is " a woman". In the next few years when all my friends were getting their periods i thought how lucky i was that my time didnt come cause in all honesty i thought the whole "bleeding thing" was gross so i was willing to wait to have one. I was 15 almost 16 years old when i finally got my period , and let me tell you , it was not what the health video made it out to be. I was crying cause i was in so much pain and my mom never took me out to ice cream. That was the only time i ever had a period on my own. I waited for it the next month and without "her" making her presence known i just thought that hey im glad she is not here and never told my mom. Years past and when i became 18 i saw a health show about women with pcos and infertilty and thought how horrible it would be to have that. I never thought that one day i would be one of the women that would have to deal with it. I still never realized that not having a period was a bad thing and that i am lucky that i dont have to deal with it every month. When i was 19 almot 20 i knew that something wasnt right with my body. I kept hearing about how its not normal to not have a period in all the cosmo girls i read and decided that it was time to go see a dr. I did and she told me that sometimes it takes your body years to get it together.So with that in my head i thought nothing of it. When i was 20 years old i met the most amazing man in the world and thought ok this is it, this will be the man that i marry and start a family with . Little did i know that my body had other plans for me that i was not aware of. After a few months of dating we decided to move in together , fast yes, but all felt right. We both knew we wanted a family and decided that now would be a good time to start trying. I knew i was going to have to have a period to get pregnant so i knew i needed to go see an gyno/obgn. I had my first appointment in sep. of 2009. He ran test after test and did ultrasounds and even more tests. I never got a call from him but a letter in the mail about pcos. I knew that was not a good thing. I was told that because of it that my chances of conciving a baby were slim and that to have any hope i would need to be on meds. I took them so i could get my body on track and i did. For once i was having a period and even though it was forced through meds it felt so good to have one and for once feel normal. I switched drs cause i didnt feel like the one i was seeing was the right one for me. Whne i met with my new dr he confirmed what the other dr told me and with that in mind i kept taking meds and praying for a miracle. Months passed and nothing happened. We decided that maybe we should wait , so we did. That month i was not feeling good all the time and it really never crossed my mind that i could actually be pregnant.